Photo: @sncsquirrels
Everyone knows that the birds work for the bourgeoisie, and the squirrels work for SNC. And by working for SNC, I mean actually running the college. For 127 years, Saint Norbert College has been home to many creatures including the infamous grey squirrel. Students can find these little critters all around campus inhabiting garbage cans, trees and sidewalks. The squirrels at SNC are unlike any other squirrels I have ever seen.
For example, one of my relatives works at Green Bay Correctional Institution (GBCI), an adult male maximum-security correctional facility located right off of HWY-172. GBCI and SNC are the same age, being only a few months apart. Both of these facilities are home to all different types of creatures, mainly squirrels. My relative told me that usually the squirrels mind their own business, occasionally visiting the watchtowers. College squirrels are a completely different breed.
It is impossible to go anywhere on campus without seeing at least two squirrels (sometimes even more). With the sheer number of squirrels on campus, it is extremely plausible that the squirrels have some sort of influence over the college. A prime example of this is how we view the squirrels, specifically relating to encouraging their behavior.
At Ed’s Cafe in Mulva Library, there is a tiny picnic table and little dish for the critters to eat. Little birds will pick at the bread, but the squirrels will take an entire tortilla shell and scamper away. Generosity from Ed’s encourages squirrels to be in the direct spotlight as they chew on bagels bigger than their heads. The positive light on the squirrels masks their actual job, running the college.
With eyes and ears everywhere, the squirrels are privy to every conversation, every action that happens on campus. Equipped with private knowledge, they know who to watch and to put on edge. A prime example occurred a few months ago when I was driving into P16, when I slowed down in the parking lot because I did not want to commit voluntary squirrel slaughter.
Two squirrels were eating some black walnuts (the giant green nuts), not caring that I was slowly creeping forward. I made direct eye contact with one of them. Those beady eyes looked into mine as I stared the rodent down. I politely (more or less) told them to “move it or lose it” (this is the toned version of what I actually said). After 30 seconds of just slowly creeping up, the squirrels finally left.
I thought that was the end of that, until the next day. I felt thousands of beady stares as I walked to class, watching my every move. Normally I’m not a paranoid person (actually... eh, who am I kidding), and I thought I was just losing my marbles. My marbles were completely lost later that night when I was walking back from the Creative Writing Club. A squirrel jumped out of a garbage can and caught me off guard. The squirrel gave me a stare that said “I dare you to move me,” and I slowly walked away, not wanting to stay around and face the consequences.
As stated earlier, the squirrels work for SNC. Instead of running the college, I believe that the squirrels are akin to the college mafia, watching and waiting to make their next move.